Letter 57 – What’s the Point of This

Dear Garrett,

I really hate it that I know more now than I did then. What am I supposed to do with this knowledge? What does it matter now? This knowledge doesn’t help you.

I am angry that I didn’t know enough to help you when you needed me. I am angry that I found wonderful people to help me, but I couldn’t find anyone for you. I am angry that I’m in this position of self-introspection when the only person who will benefit from it is me. How does that help you? I am angry that I didn’t understand the urgency. That I saw, but didn’t see. You are gone, and nothing that I know now will change that. I am so upset that I didn’t catch you in time.

I’ve read books. At first, I didn’t read books at all, when you died. Too little attention span. The first few months, I spent time on the internet searching for what other people had to say. Then later, I turned back to books. I read about life after death. What was going on? What would I find out from these books that had happened to you? I read a lot. Whatever came my way. Then I read about grief. What is happening here? What is it like for others? Is there a way to navigate all this? I flipflopped back and forth between grief, and life after death. Grief. Life after death. I consumed. And questioned.

The first book I read about life after death still stands out to me as the most significant. It was called Journey of Souls. Okay, I said to myself. Let’s find out about that. What is this journey? What is going on here and is my son somewhere? There is a lot in that book that I mull over today. I need to read it again, to think about how I might find you. I’ll go back again when I am ready.

One of the things that I remember from this book is that it said, souls mature. Souls have their own journey. One that serves to bring them closer to the divine. Apparently, a human journey can serve to teach a soul things it would take longer to learn had they not been human. The human experience allows a soul to experience what they are unable to, in the same way, in the world of the divine. The human experience serves as a catalyst for soul development.

If I step back a little bit, I might one day say that what has happened and what I’ve learned will someday serve…something. The development of my soul. The maturation of my spirit. Possibly the karmic attributes I carry around. I allow for this, but my human self protests the price.

Annee told me that I had agreed to be your mother, and that I knew the very good probability of what would happen before I came. And yet, I had agreed to do it.

Okay, Garrett. I will try to not resent the knowledge and understanding that I have gained after it was too late to help you. It is bitter, but I will work on that. I will try to be open to the bigger picture and maybe one day trust that your death had purpose. For you, for me, and for anything else good in the world that your death may have contributed to.