Letter 70 – In the Library

Dear Garrett,

Whenever I see Jack in the Library, it tugs. Just a little. The first time was the hardest.

You grew up together. You, Jack and Paul. Had countless sleepovers and played in the street all day. Parents would come out to supervise, and we’d visit while we watched over you. I thought of all of you like a pack, roaming over the neighborhood.

Jack is a few years older than you, but the three of you were close. I have lot of pictures of the three of you, many of them when you were in costumes. You went through a long costume phase, and we had all sorts of superheroes and firefighters in your closet. The three of you would pull them on and run out into the neighborhood, all dressed up with tons of places to go.

When I saw Jack at your gathering, he told me he’d be coming up to campus in the Fall. So, it wasn’t a surprise. I knew I’d see him at some point. But when I saw him that first time, it was a shock. I cannot avoid him, I thought. I cannot turn away. There he is and you must go over. Do it now.

I waved and he walked over and put down his bag and gave me a hug. It was hard. Here he was, after taking a few years off, going back to college. I told him it was good to see him, and asked him what he was studying, and asked after his parents. After a few minutes we said goodbye and gave each other a hug one more time.

I left the floor after that and went to my office. I sat there and absorbed the fact that people move on, they have their own hopes and dreams, and Jack was doing the same. I know you wouldn’t have been on campus this year, Garrett. I knew you wouldn’t be. But it didn’t stop me from wishing it was you.

There might have been a chance that you would go to college one day. Like Jack who had taken time off and gone back when he was ready. It was sad to let that possibility go on your behalf.  When I saw Jack again, a few months later, he told me how much harder the second semester was. That it was tough. I told him he could do this. I told him that I was proud of him. And then I went back to my office and did some more letting go.