Letter 19 – Wide Open Broken Heart
Dear Garrett,
I don’t know how I got Tricia’s name. I have no memory of who gave me her name. All I remember is calling the number and leaving a message. She called me back not too long after and she was the first person, besides, Kevin, that I started talking to. A lifeline. A person who had experience in death and could offer some kind of guidance. I didn’t know what kind of guidance I needed but I knew I needed something.
Tricia has been, and still is, a godsend. She is someone I would never have picked for myself. But we fell into her lap and along the way I realized I trusted her.
Our first appointment was not like that. The first time we saw her, together, was okay, but we found her to be a little weird. A little, out there. But that didn’t stop me from going back.
After Kevin and I went to see her a few times together, I realized that I wanted to talk about different things than I was talking about when I was part of a couple. I wanted to see her by myself. While Kevin and I share our grief, we are experiencing grief in different ways. It seems like each person has to do it their own way, and have their own feelings, and their own process, and their own timetable. While we discuss our appointments and experiences with one another, Kevin and I are also very much on our own journeys. So, I started seeing Tricia on my own.
Tricia has helped me from turning into stone. Many times over these months I have felt myself hardening in my grief and sadness. It felt like it would have been very easy to become completely frozen in my inability to process or face my grief. As she has said many times, Tricia said to me, your heart has been broken, AND it has been broken wide open. Keep your heart open as you do this. But, the price to pay for doing that, is walking around with wide open broken heart.
