Letter 64 – Friend Loss

Dear Garrett,

You never believed you were not yourself when you were on drugs. And you never remembered what you said or did when you were on them. Anyone who has ever seen someone under the influence of the kind of drugs you were taking understands this. How could you see others under the influence of the same thing you were doing and not think you weren’t also the same?

I think you lost every person who was your true friend. At some point, there is nothing a friend can do to make another person stop doing what is hurting them, if that person doesn’t want to. Your drug use fractured your relationships. Anyone who was left, were not your friends. They were hurting you, and hurting themselves. Why wouldn’t they want one more person to join them, to affirm their terrible choices?

You were not more cool, or funny, or powerful. You must know that now. A drug I imagine you thought you controlled so well took control of you. You were chaos. And you left behind the people who cared about you. You left them feeling sad, and guilty.

I heard them. At your gathering. If only I had picked up the phone, someone said. He must have called twenty times and I never picked up the phone. That is guilt, Garrett. More than one person said something like this. They couldn’t help you. And eventually they left you.

I don’t know what would have happened if someone had picked up the phone. I don’t know if they could have told you what you needed to hear. What I do know is that they do not deserve to feel the guilt of wondering what would have happened if they had just picked up the phone. They were protecting themselves. And that is okay. There is no blame in that.

I believe that if you truly knew what you were like under the influence of drugs and how it affected your friends, you would be sorry. And you would apologize to them.