Letter 63 – Grocery Shopping

Garrett,

When it became clear that your interest in school was negligible, we told you that it was time for you to get a job. You needed to do something with your time. You could do anything, we said. Anything you wanted. Why not try something that interests you?

You got a job at the grocery store. You were proud of yourself. It’s a start, we said to one another. At the least he will have something to occupy his time and be able to earn some money. Get some real-world experience.

Oddly, you told me that you liked cleaning the best. Huh. You said it was therapeutic, to stand there and wipe down shelves and market displays. That’s wonderful, Garrett, we said. If you do well, you can use this job as a reference for something else in the future, if your interests change.

I got a little thrill every time I saw you at the store. That’s Garrett, I’d say to myself. He looks happy. He’s smiling at someone. He’s doing a good job. One time Kevin told me that you saw him waiting in line and you called him over to your lane. Dad, dad, come over to this one, you said. I’ll bag your groceries for you. These things meant something to us.

Of course, you also told us you ate food there without paying for it. Grapes. Other loose foods. Garrett. Yes, that sounds like you. Sometimes I’d be shopping, and you’d find me. You’d hand over a bunch of goods and say, can you buy these for me? I’m hungry and I’m about to go on break.

Both Kevin and I thought the grocery store job was good for you. But you often worked at night. You preferred the later shifts. And all sorts of things can happen in the dark. The first time you overdosed, it was behind the grocery store. On an unlit street. It was Ava who found you. Kevin went into the store and told your supervisor what had happened, and I will tell you, they were wonderful. You did not lose your job. They held your job until you came back and encouraged you when you did.

When you told them you were going to rehab, they were supportive. You would have your job when you got back if that’s what you wanted. I am grateful to them, to offer you that sense of security. Thank you, grocery store people.

It was also Kevin who went in and told them that you would not be coming back. Not ever. And I didn’t go back either, for a long time.

It was a long time before I could go grocery shopping again. The thought of going in there and not seeing you was unbearable. No more, hey, mom. No more surprise sightings of you in the parking lot, gathering up the carts. No more seeing you joking around with the other young people who worked there. No more beautiful boy, trying to make his way in the world.