Letter 25 – Heart Broken AND Open

 

Garrett, 

I remember sitting with Tricia and telling her, I have all this love for you that has nowhere to go. I have all of this love for you that has nowhere to go.

And she gave me an exercise. She told me to put my hand over my heart and to tell you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. Seventy-five times a day. That you were still there, and I needed to forge a different kind of relationship with you.

I don’t know how long I practiced this. In the car on my way to work. Walking around the house. I miss you. I miss you. Every time I did this, the tears came and came. Tricia calls this, the softening. To prevent me from turning into a rock. I miss you, I would say.  

And then I started to say other things like, it will be ok. I love you. As Tricia would tell me, doing this has kept my heart broken AND open. If your heart is not open, it can’t grieve. If you can’t grieve, you cannot heal. I miss you. I love you. It will be okay.  

I feel such concern for you. Are you okay? I want to talk to you. Can you just swoop down and whisper in my brain, Hey, mom? Just that would be enough. I’m selfish in that I don’t want a sign that you exist. I don’t want a feather, or a chime, or any other sign that would have to be interpreted as having come from you. I want direct contact. I want you to tap me on the shoulder and say, hey. How I’ve wished for that. Give me a call, Garrett. I’m right here.  

I understand from reading books that there is work to do if I’m to be able to communicate with you in a spirit state. I will not be one of those fortunate few I read about who miraculously got contacted from the other side. I really wanted to be one of those people. Hey, spirit world, willing and able subject, right here. Come on down. I’m right here. 

It looks like that’s not going to happen for me. Ok. From my reading, I understand that one must be able to lift one’s energy to a point where the human vibration matches as closely as possible to the vibration of the spirit.

Well. That’s not going to happen any time soon. My energy is low. Very low. I’m just going to hope right now that you are out there and that someday, I might see or talk to you again. I love you.