Letter 62 – Hurry But Don’t Rush

Garrett,

The date of your death is coming up soon, and I haven’t yet talked about what happened. I know I need to. I need to pull it out and lay it down and go over it as I understand it. But I find I can’t do that until I’ve first looked at other things. To be able to talk about the day you died, I first have to talk about everything else. The things that make me wince when I think of them, or make my gut clench at the memory. I am picking at the threads of the mass. Examining the hopes, sadness and grief of this experience. I don’t expect resolution. But I am hoping for…. a way to accept what has happened.

I’d like to have written about your death by the date you died, one year ago. I’m not sure why. Just a sense that it’s time. That this is a date of significance, and to have written about your death is also significant. To have completed the two in proximity to one another, feels right.

I know I don’t have to do this by that date, but I want to. I tell myself, it’s okay if you don’t. If there are other things to say first go ahead and say them until you are done, and then see what day it is. However it works out will be fine. Give yourself the time to do what needs doing, and don’t feel pressured by that one day. 

But there is another part of me that is telling me to hurry. Hurry, but don’t rush. Hurry, because you want to make the date, but don’t rush, or you’ll lose the value of the examination. I hope I make it by that day. I know I am starting to wind down, but I also know there is still more to be done before I face it. I’m not sure how much more there is, and I don’t know how long it will take. But I’m hoping I can have it done before then because if I do, maybe I’ll be able to live through that day differently when it comes. I’m going to try, but if I don’t make it, that’s okay, too.