Letter 66 – Serina the Intuitive

Dear Garrett, 

I went to see someone who was like a medium, but different. Her name is Serina. She’s an energy worker. I don’t know exactly what that is, but I have a friend who’s an energy worker, so I know it is a thing. Her work is to move energy that is stuck in your body so your body can heal itself. Move the energy out, so it can fill right back up again, was what I was thinking. But why not go? I thought. What will it hurt?

Serina was a nurse for a long time before she moved into this work. I felt comfortable with her. She listened to me as I told her what had happened and why I was there. We talked about you, and she told me that she could feel the chaotic energy in the room as we discussed you.

Serina describes herself as an intuitive. It’s not the same thing as a medium, she said. I’m not psychic, but I may pick up on some things when I am working with you that I can tell you about when it’s over. Okay. That sounds good. I’m willing to see what happens.

I got up on the table and she asked me what my intention for this session was. Oh. I thought to myself that my intention was to receive whatever it was that anyone wanted me to receive. I don’t know what my intention is, I told her, but I’d love to hear anything from my son. Sometimes, she said, an intention can be as simple as wanting to clear away any blocked energy so your body can rebalance itself during the grief process. Okay, I told her. Let’s go with that.

She started at my feet. Holding them. And over the course of an hour moved around my body until she ended back at my feet. She did this in total silence and as I lay there, I let my mind wander around and touch briefly on random thoughts. I remember feeling anxious, and feeling an occasional physical jolt, and the hour went by in what seemed like minutes. She gave me a few minutes to reorient myself and then we sat on the couch to discuss what had happened.

She told me that as soon as she had touched my feet, all of your energy rushed down into the room, as if you were just waiting for that moment. She told me that you stayed with her for the entire session, even though pieces of your energy left as the session went on. You couldn’t hold all your energy there for the entire time, you told her, but a part of you remained for the entire session.

She told me that you had a big energy. The kind of energy that is difficult to contain. She told me that you were gesturing to her that you kept trying and trying to fit your energy into a box, but that it wouldn’t fit. You couldn’t make it fit. It is hard to be a person outside the norms, she said. Some people find a way to live on the edges of our society, but it is a hard life.

She told me what you showed her about your death. She said you described it as a big blue wave. That a big blue wave came down and washed over you and started sweeping you out. That you could have gotten out of the wave if you had chosen to, but you decided not to. You let the wave take you out and you rode it all the way to the end. You let the wave take you away. And that’s when you realized that you had died. He was a little surprised, she told me. Like you were saying, huh. Oh. I’m not there anymore.

She told me that you were far away. That you were in a place that was far away. I’ve never heard this before, she said, but he tells me he’s undergoing a reconstruction of the soul. That he needs to recover from everything that happened, and it involves a reconstruction of his soul. He said he would come down when he could, but that it was difficult right now, because most of his energy was going towards this.

I know she said other things, but I can’t remember them. I remember imagining you trying to stuff your energy into a box, trying to fit in. And riding a big blue wave to your death. And working on reconstructing your soul. That one was hard to take. Did we do so much damage that you have to reconstruct your soul? I thought to myself. How much of a part did we play in that? I wish you could tell me the answer, Garrett, so I know just how much blame to assign. It sounds ridiculous, but it is agonizing to not know how much of the fault is mine. Did I hurt you in this way? I will say to myself. Okay. I will work on that. Did I hurt you in this other way? Okay, I will take responsibility for that. Sometimes, when you are deep in grief, it is impossible to know what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for. If someone could tell me, it would be a relief. Or, I think to myself, maybe I’ll just take it all and have done with it.

I’ve thought of you often up there, reconstructing your soul. I’m sorry, Garrett, I’d tell you. I’m sorry that your life experience was so damaging that you have to reconstruct your soul.

I’ve been back to see Serina twice more. I don’t know if it has any physical impact, but I go. Because it might. It might be helping and I’m willing try.

During those visits, I’ve always asked to hear from you, if you were able to come and see me. Here are the things that Serina told me that I remember.

The second time I came to see her, she told me that you came but that your energy was distant. Not all of him could come, she said. He is doing a lot of work that requires most of his energy. When I asked him what he was working on, he kind of chuckled and said, well, I didn’t get to get out of rehab after all. He’s in rehab of the soul, I thought to myself. Okay. He also said to tell you, Serina told me, that you never stopped showing up for him. He wants you to know that it wasn’t you who stopped showing up, it was him. He was the one who stopped. He also said that though he isn’t able to reach between the worlds well right now, that someday he would be stronger and have more of his energy to give towards that.

I remember asking her during our third session, how soon do you think it will be before Garrett be stronger? She told me she would ask. After the session, she told me, he laughed when I asked him that, and said, what is time? But in a few more months there’d be more of his energy available. I remember thinking to myself, I can wait. I will try not to bother you while you are doing this, Garrett. I don’t want to bother you when you are so occupied with these things. I will leave you until you are ready.