Letter 36 – Still Don’t
Dear Garrett,
Your dad and I are not suicidal. But our views on death have changed. My thoughts have shifted a great deal. Or, they are in the process of being shaped for the first time. I can’t say I had a lot of views on death before you died. This is new territory. I don’t know that I would be contemplating it to this degree if I wasn’t compelled to understand where you are.
Your dad and I were having a conversation the other day and found we were both in agreement that we wouldn’t mind dying a little earlier than we might have wanted to if you hadn’t died. It now seems perfectly acceptable to die, at some point. At the same time, we’re not seeking to. We have a little girl to raise and see through to adulthood. Well into adulthood. I want her to be as healthy and happy as she can possibly be and I will do everything in my power to see her that way. I think you would want that, too.
I remember one of the counselors I brought you to told me, each time someone within a person’s circle commits suicide, it makes it more of an acceptable choice for others in that circle. I think of you and JT. And I think of you and Liam. At what point did death become an acceptable option for any of you? I never felt you had a will to die. But, like for us, did it somehow become something to not run away from, after all the experiences you had?
My counselor says I need to trust in your death. That I have to trust that you died at the right time for the right reason. I don’t accept. I rebel against it. You were a child. I still believe that I could have changed the course of events that night and I can’t give up on that right now. I am not done worrying over that bone. If I ever finish gnawing on this over and over and over, maybe I can come to the place where she wants me to be, but I’m not there yet. Sometimes I feel a little closer, and then I move away. And then I come a little closer, and then a lot further away. I know she would describe this as part of the work that needs to be done, but it sucks. It really, really sucks.
