Letter 44 – That Desperate Mother

Dear Garrett,

Something happened yesterday that makes me feel on edge. I feel uncomfortable because I I’m not confident about what I did and I feel susceptible to the judgment of others. I think you might know what I mean.

A friend of ours came over, whom we hadn’t seen since before you died. We had had a small group of people over and after everyone else left, he stayed behind to visit. It was nice. At some point we talked about you and we said some generalized statements like, yes, it’s been hard. Yes, it’s been a difficult time. I can’t remember the conversation. I know Kevin said some things. I said some things. Our friend said some things, like he wished he could have been there after it happened, and he thought a lot about what it must have been like for us.

I decided to mention that I had gone to see a medium. Just that I had seen one, not what she had said. I regretted it almost as soon as I said it. I realized I shouldn’t be putting out for the consumption of others something that I had yet to come to any conclusions about myself. Maybe I was putting it out there to see how it sounded. To see what it looked like when someone else heard it. I remember thinking to myself, I shouldn’t have done that. I probably sound like some desperate mother, searching for answers.

That gave me pause. I guess that is what I am. I don’t feel like what I imagine a desperate mother to be, but I do want answers. I have a fear that people will say, oh, she’s just looking into this because her kid died. Well, yes, that is true. I probably would have never delved this deep into wondering about death if my kid hadn’t died. But you did and it has changed my path. Is this the act of a desperate mother? I don’t know.

Is it embarrassing to tell people that I went to see a medium? I’m not sure. For me, in the past when I‘ve thought about mediums, I’ve mostly imagined a scam artist preying upon the weak. Is that me? Is that how people see me? I don’t know. Is that how I want to be seen? No. Do I have any control over that? No.

I ask myself, do I believe what Annee told me? I do. I know what I heard, and I felt what I felt. I would like to know more. Maybe I’m being scammed. Maybe I’m a desperate mother hearing what she wants to hear. What I know is that I did not disbelieve, and that I will continue to walk this path. There is more to learn, and I want to understand what that is.