Letter 2 – Time Ran Out

 

 

Dear Garrett,

I need to understand my role in your death. How our relationship contributed to how you evolved, the decisions you made, the way you felt about yourself, your rationale for using drugs, to the night when you died. I thought I had time. You always think you have time. Tomorrow you can work on it some more, or start again, or continue the conversation of your relationship. But tomorrow never came after that day.

How could I not have had one more day to change events? How is it possible that I didn’t have one more day to put things back together? I am devastated that I didn’t have that day. I didn’t act fast enough. You needed me, and I wasn’t fast enough. I waited. I was waiting. For the feeling of out-of-controlness to simmer down. To make a space for myself to walk into. Waiting for that space to reveal itself, to make itself available, when what I needed to do was barge right in. But I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that I needed to barge in right then. Because I thought I had the time. But that time disappeared.