Letter 26 – Only Child

 

Dear Garrett,

When Genevieve referred to herself the other day as an only child, I was stunned. It never occurred to me that she would see herself as an only child after you died. We were sitting in a restaurant, the two of us. Just chatting about not much of anything. She was talking about her best friend and herself. Her best friend is an only child, and Genevieve said something like, since I’m an only child, and Charlie’s an only child, we’re going to pretend that we’re sisters.

I was completely unprepared for this. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want her to think that she was saying something wrong, or bad. My mind was a complete blank as to how to respond. So I didn’t. I let her go on telling her story, even though I was reeling inside. Tricia tells me that this is a perfectly normal thing for an eleven-year-old to say. So, okay.

I am still internally stewing over this. Yes, she is an only child, now. But she wasn’t. She is, and she isn’t. Maybe this is more my problem than hers. Which is why, when my haircutter asked me if Genevieve was my only child and Genevieve was sitting right there, I said, yes, she is the only child I have now. But she had a brother, and he died. There is no erasing you. I never want her to see that I wouldn’t acknowledge you. You lived.

Genevieve did not wake up the night you died. Which I am so deeply, deeply thankful for. In the morning, when the house was empty, we eventually made our way to her room. What do you say to a little girl whose brother died? We told her that Garrett had taken too many drugs last night, and when he went to sleep, he never woke up. That he had died, and we were so, so sorry to have to tell her. We sat with her for a long time. A long time.

Genevieve is my brave, brave girl. Her story is not mine to share, but I’m sure one day she’ll have a story of her own to tell. I want to make sure that I am as available to her as she needs me to be, and try to give her words and concepts for some of things she might be feeling. Things like, it’s ok to feel relieved. And, it’s ok to be confused. And, this is a stressful time. I’m sad and this is how I grieve for Garrett, but whatever you do is ok, too. And, it’s ok to just be a girl and have fun with your friends.

Genevieve does not talk a lot about her feelings. She spent a good part of the last year you were alive behind her closed bedroom door. The uncertainty of what you would be like outside that door was very difficult. I know this, and I feel sad for the girl who lost a lot of her brother while he was still there. And I also know, that despite your troubles, and your depression, and your anxiety, and your ultimate despair, that you loved her.