Letter 38 – The Medium

 

Garrett, 

About three months after you died, I contacted a medium. I’d been aware of the concept of life after death in a distant, intellectual way, for what seems like all of my adult life, but now, my interest is more immediate. I haven’t suddenly swung over to the side of instantaneous belief, but my desire to know what has happened to you has compelled me to look at this in a way that never would have happened if you hadn’t died. The belief in life after death is nothing new on this planet, but it had never played much of a part in my story, before now. 

I made contact with a medium. Looking back, it was too soon after your death, but I needed to know more. I had read several books about life after death, and found that I wasn’t rejecting what I was reading. I wasn’t a sudden believer, but the door had cracked open and I wanted to reach through to see what else was out there.

Her name was Annee. After our session, I had a lot of mixed feelings. She said things that struck home, and other things that resonated with the sound of truth. She often talked with the word “we.” We are seeing this, we are telling you this. The we are the guides, she said, spiritual guides who watch over human life and offer guidance when asked. And she also said “he.” He wants you to know this. He is saying that. The “he” was you, Garrett, and in that moment, I again did not disbelieve. I sat there and listened to all you had to say.  

As I was sitting there and waiting for things to begin, Annee was telling me about herself and what a reading was like, and then she paused, and said something like, wait a minute, I’m getting someone pushing through. Oh, I didn’t realize this was going to about a passing, I thought we were going to do a reading, but this is about a passing. She paused, and then she said, he says, hi, mom.  

Hi, mom. And we got started. 

She told me that you had come into the world with a karmic attribute. That there was a strong probability that you would die at a young age. There are always choices in life, free will, that can change the course of events, but your karmic attribute was that of a person who would die young. That if it was too much, you would go out. You would leave. She said that both of us knew this before we incarnated. We had agreed to it. You had wanted me to be your mother in this life, and I had agreed. That I knew what was most likely to happen and I had still agreed to do it.

She said you were confused a lot here on earth. You could not find a way to be accepted. You had many disappointments that you did not know how to cope with. You had depression, and anxiety, and thoughts that you never shared with me.

She told me school was very difficult for you. People liked you but you found it very hard to fit in. To be accepted. That you very much had a mind of your own, and there was a lot of conflict in your school life. You got tired with the struggle. She told me you were a younger soul, trying to figure out the human experience.  

You told her that it was nothing we did. You had a happy childhood, and you were happy now. You showed Annee your death, and she described it to me. She told me that your death was no accident. He wants you to know that, she said. His death was no accident. And she walked me through what had happened to you as the drugs coursed through your body, and what happened after, when we found you.  

He said you were the best mom ever, Annee said. I don’t know if that was a gift from you, Garrett, or Annee, but I will take it. He said that you knew him better than anyone, and that you never lost your patience, and you were the best mom he could have ever hoped to have.

Annee told me that I had had some sense of what would happen during this life, and her saying that made me think back to all those times when I thought to myself, being a mother is heartbreaking. This is so heartbreaking, watching my beautiful son make his way through the world. She told me, he wasn’t destined to be here long, and you both knew that before you came. It was part of your contract when you agreed to come here with him.

You never wanted to hurt us, Annee told me, and you decided to go at the last minute. She told me many times in this conversation that death is not final, that there is really no such thing as death, and that you will come back again to this world, and you will be stronger.  

You loved your sister so much, she told me, and she was missing you. We talked a little about Genevieve, but that is for her to hear, only. She also asked me if we had a dog. We do, I said. She told me that a couple of times you came down into the dog and looked at me through his eyes. They do that sometimes, you know, she said. To come down and visit us.   

Did Garrett have a friend who died? She asked me. He’s telling me he has a buddy up there with him. Did he have a friend who died? Um, two, I said. Well, there is a friend up there he wants you to know about, she said.

She said to me, I smell fried chicken. Did he like fried chicken? I have no reason to bring up fried chicken. I’m a vegetarian, but I am smelling fried chicken. Maybe homemade chicken tenders, I told her. It was your favorite. Well, he really wants for you to know that he’s thinking about this chicken, she said.

She told me many things, more than I’ve said here. But this is enough. This is the gist of the conversation, the biggest things that stood out to me. She told me again that you were happy now and that you said, please forgive me, and please forgive yourself. She told me that you were often nearby, and that I needed to connect with you on a spiritual basis. That I could ask for you and you would come.

After the reading, what I immediately resonated with was the fact that I had agreed to be your mother, and would choose to do so again, even with the prior knowledge of how it would end. It felt true. Of course, I would choose to be your mother. Of course I would. How could I ever not choose that? I would choose it again and again and again.  

About a week after the reading, something else sank in. I thought to myself, wait, what did she say? Did she say that you killed yourself? Did she say that this was no accident? How can this be? I never felt a suicidal leaning in you. I never felt that. I always thought that you were a boy who wanted live. Your approach to life was so strong. You were here to have the best good time. And you did, in so many ways. How could this have gotten all turned around to the degree that you decided to not anymore?

This is a thing that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with. How can this be? It pops up in my mind, out of the blue. How can this be? That you would make this choice, when I felt so strongly that you wanted to be alive. Garrett. How I wish I could have helped you. You were loved. I still love you. I always will love you.  I hear Tricia asking me, do you trust him? Do you trust in his death? And answer is still, no. I don’t want to. I haven’t found way to this understanding. Maybe not now, but you will, she told me. But there’s too much for me to let go of. I can’t do it. I just don’t know if I can make myself do that.