Letter 16 – You Were Twelve

 

Dear Garrett,

Your friend JT killed himself. I can only say it just like that. I am so sorry it happened and that you had to experience something like that, so young. Even grownups are not prepared for something like that to happen.

The first I knew of it, the school called asking us to come get you. What was happening? What was going on? A mixture of rumors and realization had you in a tailspin, and you were losing it. There were rumors flying around school that someone had committed suicide. And then, JT was not there that day. I remember you telling me, I kept asking everyone, where is JT? Where is JT? And no one would tell me. No one would tell me where he was. And that’s when they called us. And that’s when we learned that JT had killed himself. You were in seventh grade.

What a bitter time. We had so many discussions. Where did I think JT was? you asked me. What happened to JT after he died? And I told you what my thoughts were at the time. For me, I said, when JT died his energy was released. What becomes of that energy, I don’t know. But I know that energy doesn’t disappear. It becomes something else. What it becomes, I don’t know. I did believe that JT’s energy was out there in the world, somewhere, in some way.

There was more. I don’t remember how soon after his death you told us this, but this is the part that haunts me on your behalf, and breaks my heart to this day.

JT told you that he was going to kill himself. The day before he died. He told you during school the day before he died that he was going to kill himself, that he had wanted to kill himself since third grade. And you had no idea what to do with someone telling you that. No idea. And why would you? You were twelve. I think you said you joked around with him about how he could say something like that, and that you’d see him in school the next day. And then you said goodbye. And then JT didn’t come to school the next day. And you had the knowledge that he had told you, and that you didn’t say anything about it to anybody.

You were twelve. No one is equipped for this. If anyone thinks or says to themselves, he should have said something, he should have told someone, you can stop. Do you think he didn’t think that, after it happened? In what way is a twelve-year-old prepared to handle something like that? He was JT’s friend, and he was a child. There is no blame, but I know he felt it. I know he told a few people about it, and you know what they said? They asked him, why didn’t you tell somebody? I believe you carried around the guilt and that confusion about this for the rest of your life.

Your middle school counselor did an amazing job with you after JT died. You and a few others who were close to JT. I know you trusted her. I know you felt close to her. And I know she helped you and supported you, for years after it happened. And I thank you, Ms. Johnson, for being there when my son needed you. Thank you.